Goodbye 2013

Banyak benda happened to me sepanjang tahun 2013. Manis, pahit, kelat dan sebagainya..semua cukup and complete. In summary, I cried a lot than I laugh or smile

Diri sendiri – I tak jaga my health and my skin sangat. My weight macam yo-yo. Hahahahah…  Mana taknya, discipline for routine exercise / workout masih on and off. The ‘M’ besar sangat. Pasal my skin pulak, actually masih ditahap okay, tiadalah selicin bak telur dikupas and tiadalah pula umpama permukaan bulan. Cuma I need to find suitable supplement kot. Dah nak hujung-hujung tahun baru dapat supplement yang sesuai. Kerana I ni bukan kaki cerewet, so I cuma nak my skin sihat (tidak kusam) and I believed the glowing procedure must come from inside (ada ke??)

Through the year, my career naik turun jugaklah… it was not about my luck kat tempat kerja ni, tapi more to my relationship with co-workers here. Oh My… sangat menyeksa jiwa batin kerja di sini… and all this happened akan balik ke root cause – Diva Duck. I memang pelik apa masalah sebenar dia ni.. Always pretend to be innocent and victim all the time (Macamlah aku ni rampas laki dia). To be honest, sometimes I memang terniat nak doakan something really bad happened to her. Biar dia tak perlu datang kerja for long time and hope that bad incident sedarkan dia. But, benda-benda tak baik ni just terlintas dalam hati jelah. Dosa pun kan...

Oh ya, I also still continue tak bercakap with The Other Ducks. I cannot simply forgive them (and also the rest yang terbabit) walaupun dulu I ‘sibuk’ perjuangkan slogan “Forgive and Forget”. I know some of the Duck members sudahpun mendapat balasan cash karma but things don’t changed selagi Diva Duck tidak membuat any confession. But, I’m okay pun tak bercakap with The Ducks members. I masih okay with other colleague cuma I lebih berhati-hati jelah bila borak or discuss something with them. Only with Abewe and Putih I can throw my frustration about works.

My friendship with STM, I pun tak tahu nak cakap apa. Samada I yang terlebih ego or dia yang melampau melangit egonya. Things between us dah tak sama macam dulu lagi sebab one stupid incident yang he took it very serious. Benda remeh actually and he don’t have the right to scold me like hell. I sent raya wish pun dia tak balas so I pun malas nak fikir sangat. Biarkan masa berlalu and I hope hati dia sejuk juga one day. Sometimes I terfikir jugak, why until now, I never miss to mention his name in my doa (prayer). I try not to do it once, but I will feel guilty yang amat. I don’t know why tapi I rasa, maybe it’s back to my niat bila I decide to be his friend dulu. Niat I yang semata-mata kerana Allah and sebab tulah I yakin Allah telah tetapkan hati I to terus meminta yang baik untuk STM dariNya… and I never regret doing this.

Darling BB, as usual he will always be my sweet darling. Walaupun dia jauh beratus-ratus kilometer from me, but he is still one of the best person to make me calm bila I ada masalah. I can feel that both of us memang ada a very good chemistry dari dulu sebab itulah we can stay be friend (teman tapi mesra) for more than 6 years. Mueheheh… I respect his life, and he respects mine. I appreciate him more bila setiap kali dia datang sini, dia akan try to find time to meet me dari his other friend (Bangga tau!!). Sekejap pun jadilah for him to have a chat with me and for me pulak, that moment memang priceless (I rasa you all pun tahu how it feel when you spend time with you BFF, right?)

Si Cantik yang sentiasa be by my side…. I was so lucky having her in my life.

And do you still remember Nick? I pernah cerita about him dulu. Pening kepala I dengan dia ni. Sometimes, his feeling is unpredictable. We are good friend je actually (he was my ex colleague last time) but, at the same time, he insists (indirectly) me to be ‘more close’ to him. By the way, I noticed Nick ni memang still naïve in some adult/mature thinking. I bagi hint juga to him yang dia kena kenal I betul-betul kalau nak I be with him forever. Anyway, I tak nak he changed to something bad bila betul-betul I dengan dia nanti, main reason sebab his unpredictable feeling tulah to which I kadang-kaang rasa mamat ni psiko pun ada. Mana tahu he is a ‘big’ monster actually and I cannot imagine share my life with this kind of person. I ni dahlah suka imagine di luar jangkauan.

Other than that…  I still have few good news yang datang towards the end of year 2013. Like my Mum suddenly allowed my Lil Sis and I travel jauh dan lebih jauh, my boss at last give me a promotion (I supposed to get a promotion last year but kena KIV sebab Diva Duck juga) and last but not least and bagi I penutup peristiwa yang paling best untuk tahun ini bila I heard Pak Bogus is counting days to leave!!

Goodbye 2013 and Welcome darling 2014!! 

Alone to defend truth...

Siapa pernah face the above situation? 

[Me]

Are you down? 

[Yes, of course. In the beginning]

And what happened now? 

[I'm okay to be alone, hanya kerana untuk berkata benar and to defend my truth and belief. Now sudah more than a year I dalam situation tu. Biarlah kebenaran itu hanya Allah sahaja yang tahu / nampak and bukan di mata manusia. Manusia ini memang cepat buta dengan kebenaran sebab tiada mata hati. Hanya mengharapkan mata zahir saja. Jadi, kalau dah terbiasa buta mata/ hati dengan kebenaran, memang susah nak ubah. Tapi, Allah tak pernah tutup peluang kita untuk berubah lebih-lebih lagi ke arah kebaikan]

Cerita dia bermula macam ni.... 

Actually, I also buta dengan kebenaran sehingga I put my own judgement to false statement but, Allah bagi kita akal untuk berfikir dan untuk pisahkan yang hak dan batil. Tak perlu terburu-buru pun but please jangan melampau-lampau sebab takut benda tu balik ke kita. 

Biar I cerita macam mana I boleh tersasar ke jalan kiri tu. Ceritanya macam ni. STM yang I kenal tu sudah bertepek macam-macam cerita yang tidak elok mengenai beliau. Kiranya, lebih elok kalau I put a big gap between us. Tapi Allah itu Maha Mengetahui and setiap perancangan dariNya mesti ada sesuatu. Entah macam mana I can get close to him, and dia pula dari seorang yang tinggi ego, ada masanya he can listen to my 2 cents advice. Walaupun banyak benda yang I tidak setuju dengan STM, but I just keep quiet. I twist it to something that he can easily accept. Untuk mengubah seseorang, bukan senang. Yang penting kita cuba dan berdoa and for sure Allah is always listening to us.

But, bukan semua orang suka dengan benda ni, especially Diva Duck. Sebagai seorang attention seeker (yang tegar), this is a big NO NO to her. Mana boleh somebody yang low profile (and tak cantik pulak tu - - -> Aku) can easily grabbed other people attention dari dia. She played a very good role here. She just keep quiet but at the same time, dia akan buat perangai yang so annoying. Rahsianya di sini - do something annoyed but remained silence and biar people talk about it. So, being an honest person, when The Other Ducks tanya what happened sampai Diva Duck jadi macam tu, I pun cerita jelah the truth tanpa ada apa-apa intention. Sebab tak nampak pun big reason to hide it. And STM pun cerita benda yang sama bila The Other Ducks asked him.

And langit cerah tak semestinya cerah selama-lamanya. My day pun tetiba jadi gelap. The Other Ducks tetiba (and konon-konon nak jadi hakim yang adil), got a chance to ask Diva Duck about 

few incidents (which STM and I also dah cerita earlier to them). Kiranya macam nak dengar dua-dua belah pihak. Ha... time ni barulah Diva Duck bersuara. I told you kan all the while she just diam je. Buat muka innocent and she played as a victim role dengan sangat berkesan. Diva Duck twisted the true story 360 degree. And apa lagi, The Other Ducks terperanjat. Bukan terperanjat sebab cerita tak sama..tapi terperanjat sebab aku ni sudah jahat sangat sebab burukkan Diva Duck si mangsa keadaan itu.  

Okay.. itu tak apa lagilah. And aku pun start kena pulau. But, knowing me, for surelah I tak duduk diam sahaja. I confront dengan Diva Duck. I asked her to tell me what actually happened masa The Other Ducks sibuk-sibuk nak jadi hakim. She told me yang dia jadi mangsa keadaan and dia buat begitu sebab aku dok sibuk dengan STM and left her behind. I remind her balik that I never left her any single day but she's the one yang menjauhkan diri plus moody dari awal sampai I pun tak tahu nak buat apa. She admitted my statement and I lega. Time tu I memang harap dia akan bagitau to The Other Ducks balik that dia salah earlier.

But, jangan harap lah ye. Diva Duck back to the same role. Orang makin menjauhkan diri dari I and pandang semacam (yang paling macam cilaka adalah bila I masuk je bilik, kalau umat kat situ tengah bercakap, dan dan tu diam). Bila benda ni jadi je,  I dah tahu yang Diva Duck never told anyone the mistake yang dia buat earlier. So kat sini, the truth memang slip under the carpet (but I hope it won't last forever)

And to make my situation worst, Jenab Duck pula sibuk-sibuk mula memainkan peranan. Sebagai 'ahli agama' and 'pakar motivasi' terkenal, she started posting madah bercili on her FB. Too bad I managed to print screen everything. Can U imagined she called me "lalat yang membusukkan bangkai"..kalau tak silap her full statement lebih kurang macam ni.. "jadilah garam yang memperelokkan daging dari lalat yang ..." But, I memang jelas ingat word "lalat" and "daging" and "bangkai" tu.

So, can you imagine macam mana I nak teruskan berkawan dengan mereka ini? The Other Ducks konon-konon nak menganalisa situasi but diaorg memburukkan keadaan lagi adalah. My reputation gone down. Jadi, jalan terbaik, I continue my journey alone. I choose to be alone >>> to the left side of the road.

Note: 

Diva - I memang letak Duck kat belakang dia.

The Other Ducks - Diva dan kengkawan. There will be Jenab, Joyah, Jayzee, Jem and Jambu

I grouped mereka-mereka ini sesama sebab dah sekepala sekawan kan.. So jadilah The Ducks. And semua ada Duck kat belakang.

Hati kotor?

I saw my friend shared this post on her FB wall. This post memang sangat terkesan to me, And Yes, I agreed I memang ada 2-3 tanda-tanda seperti yang tertulis (kalau I tulis 'some' tanda-tanda, is it more than 3?). Sedih kan? Masya Allah. 

I tried so many ways to change. To change to become a better Muslimah from day to day. Susah sungguh and dah jadi macam satu cabaran yang sungguh hebat (Tak tipu). Kalau satu ketika waktu hati tu dah macam bersih sikit, then something happened.. Mulalah sikit sikit kotoran tu datang.

So, dalam banyak-banyak benda I buat to clean my hati, normally I will repeat to do this again and again without fail. Istighfar lah sebanyak mana yang I boleh sampai hati ini dah macam okay sikit.  (You should try!!)

Ada satu je lagi yang I masih culas nak buat. Read Al Quran secara consistently. My Mom memang bising pasal ni banyak kali. Memang tipulah kalau I cakap I tak de masa nak baca 

Al -Quran. Benda lain I boleh buat pulak.

Insya Allah, things will slowly change. I need to pray a lot for this!